1 November

I’m sick today, but remarkably buoyant; I was able to work yesterday and I might have celiac disease. Perhaps gluten-free will save me. I’m impossibly hopeful.

6 November

Spent a chunk of last night at the ER after five rather unpleasant days. Perhaps buoyancy is another migraine trigger? They gave me a drug that made me want to crawl out of my skin. Without the drug they gave me to try to quell that feeling, I think I might have actually tried.

Friends, lovers cared for me. I want my relationships to be more than ice-pack fetching and 911 calls. Maybe next week.

8 November

When I show up to the office, people react with faux-faux-shock. I’m not sure when that started – sometime between people checking in when I missed a day and a concerned text when I haven’t been in for two weeks. I really don’t know how I’m going to get a PhD done at this rate.

I don’t have celiac disease. I really wish I did.

11 November

I got a migraine on a date today. Lying in bed with an ice pack, silly from the Relpax and migraine brain, and in a moderate amount of pain, my date read to me from Wikipedia everything I could think to ask. I’m pretty sure that’s how you define love.

13 November

Summer and fall have slipped away and I’ve done so little. I know that I have worked. Those days stand out in my memory as magical, bright, beautiful, and unrealistically clear days in a long fog of pain and staring at my ceiling. Sometimes good days seem more like a remembered dream than my past.

15 November

I feel disgusting, but showering and brushing my teeth are too hard.

16 November

Ok, I’m done with the pity party. My migraine has abated and I’ve finally gotten some decent sleep. I’ve eaten, done laundry, dealt with the accumulated bills, paperwork, and emails from the last couple of weeks, and done some small things that make me feel human. Onwards!

17 November

Holy smokes I’m awesome. Got an incredible amount done today and emailed an update (and a draft) to my supervisor. Maybe I can do this PhD thing.

I got another migraine on another date. When I’m sick I let dependence veer into childishness. That can’t be good for my relationships. Time to fix that.

18 November

Absolutely no work done today. It appears I need a full day without a migraine before I can be really productive. Given the frequency of my migraines, this is very discouraging. I’ve got to do something to decrease the number of migraines I’m getting,

19 November

I got acupuncture today. Bad for my bank account, but hopefully it’ll help. I don’t care if it’s just placebo – it works better than sugar pills or preventative migraine drugs.

Also, my yang is ungrounded and my chi is blocked. Gotta fix that, right?

22 November

I had my first migraine today since acupuncture. I was well enough this morning to study a bit, exercise, do chores, but fatigue and migraine hit after a trip to the grocery store. Did I trigger it by working out too hard? Walking too fast? Exposing myself to bright light and loud sounds on the way to the store?

I hate that triggers make migraines my fault.

26 November

The drugstore called my doctor when I tried to get Relpax refills the other day and today my doctor called me. Don’t think I’ve ever been properly scolded by a doctor before, but apparently I really should be taking this stuff less than once a week. I promised her I’d try to get it down to twice a week and to tell my neurologist how much I’m taking.

I don’t know if I can keep my promise. I’m afraid of getting another migraine now. I’m always afraid of that, to be honest, but not having the medicine option adds a special kind of stomach-churning dread.

28 November

My doctor says kidneys are important, but I’m taking Relpax. It’s been 6 days since my last dose. The pain is difficult. Spending Thanksgiving alone in bed was awful. But the prospect of losing yet another day tomorrow is why I decided to bend the rules.

30 November

I know there are worse things than vomiting over and over and over with a migraine, but I can’t imagine what it could be. I can, however, imagine how much nicer this day would be if I had a cushier bathmat to rest on. My date brought ginger ale and drugs for the nausea. Romance!